我还会呼吸 I still breathe

记忆所及，我一直都是为了不同阶段的单一目标, 盲目地奋斗。这样简单的生活虽然忙碌，但也容易平顺地过。能这样都因为有幸被蒙在没有烦恼的鼓里。不知道是因为被保护还是特别幸运，我从来都只遇到良师益友，被善待被疼爱。因为爸妈迟婚，我从未见过我祖父母。这虽然也是一种遗憾，但我也因此一直被赦免失去至亲的痛。为了感谢我的幸运，我珍惜和用心地生活。

可是最近这一套失灵了。生活不再是单一轨道。变得太紧凑太咄咄逼人的马来西亚，不确定的未来，没有工作的失落，不想马上投入工作的不安，爸爸时晴时雨的忧郁，医院里凝重的空气，不能自主的婚礼细节，不想太挑剔但却真的不尽理想的婚纱。。。这些都是我用十倍的力气都不能克服的。为什么连自己的家园都不能顺其自然地适应？为什么不找工作？这些也都是我绞尽脑汁都回答不了的问题。

我觉得我是天枰改变不了两端的重量，只能慢慢移动，希望真的能找到平衡点。

那天HO姑妈家养在圆金鱼缸里的小乌龟. 光溜溜的缸太深太圆, 小乌龟每吸的一口气, 都是用奋力舞动四肢的疲惫换来的. 可怜.

不顺遂的生活能不能也很充实。能不能能不能。

I have always had a simple, single-tracked life, managing to find and chase blindly for the sole-purpose in every stage of my life, not knowing that a sole-purpose is never achievable. It was a busy but effortlessly fulfilled life. There is something unsettling about how fortunate I have always been – throughout my life I have only met kind mentors and friends, and have always been spared of losing people I love. Wondering how much longer my luck will last me, I walked each step of my life with gratitude.

What is even more unsettling is life never becomes simpler. The daily grind of traffic, the lack of ethics, the uncertainty of my future, ominous questions of why I haven’t seem to start looking for a job, depression of my loved ones… I guess this is why life needs “juggling”. But I haven’t even learnt balancing yet. But I thought I was adaptable. But I thought HOME does not need adaptation. HOME is where you just go back and live happily ever after. But where is home to me? Or does home only exist in memory?

I feel sorry for the two tiny tortoises kept in a goldfish bowl at HO’s aunt’s. How they had to stroke their limbs so hard to catch a gasp of air.

I desperately hope contentment could come parallel with the harshness of life. Because if not…if not…I do not know what else is possible.