影

傍晚时分，开车载爸爸去pasar malam。爸买了indian rojak。看印度摊主扭着头说总共7块，爸爸笑了。后来买羊奶，看爸爸讨价还价，我笑了。

开车回家的路上，我们背夕阳而行。长长的车影，薄薄的铺在车子前方的路上。原来，影子不一定是要拖着的，这样拎着我前进的影子，不也很可爱吗。

我喜欢这样的爸爸，也喜欢这样的我。

给自己的,也要坦荡荡

要多剧烈的运动，才能让我累到瘫痪，躺在床上深深的睡一晚。连续两天gym session后的剧痛，不够。

今天跟V吃了一顿懒洋洋，却沉甸甸的午餐。第一次见面，我第一眼就认出了她，然后像在msn上答应的拥抱了她，自然的。她的外柔内刚，很抢眼。一直渴望流浪异地的她，因为父母离异加上母亲患病而无法如愿。她还淡淡地说跟他还原朋友反而轻松，两个都不能被绑住的人。我听她轻松地说着沉重的故事。她说她还是积极的，除了酝酿有一天还是会去旅行的梦，她自己放假学法文。我说我会指引她吃巴黎的 Pierre Hermė。“没什么大不了的，我在过的退休生活。”她坦荡荡地斟满了自己快乐的杯子。我想起了J的“新退休主义”。

我呢？把心散播在世界的各大板块, 收得回来固然丰硕；收不回来的，也只能接受夜有所梦的无奈。无论我身在那里，都会有我挂念的地方。一个躯体能捆绑多少份已分割的灵魂？掏不出完整的心给周围爱我的人，要多努力才能弥补？花在自己身上的每一秒，要多狠心才不觉得愧疚？如果说心有余而力不足已经是一种遗憾，那如果我连心都不足呢？

我也想要，给自己的，也能坦荡荡。

临别我又抱了她一下。这才发现，我才是需要拥抱的那一个。



（我和V看了照片后，都硬着头皮承认了我们藏不住的倦容）

PYO Berry Farm - Spring 2008

My first ever excursion in London. Fresh hand picked berries, gentle breeze, soft sun, wonderful friends... I really thought life couldn't be better.





Raspberries are my favourite - and these fresh ones were much juicier and sweeter than those from the supermarket. I got lost in the many rows of raspberry canes, finding surprise after surprise. I love how raspberries are soft, pulpy, and gracefully hollow on the inside and lightly attached to its stem.





Needless to say, it was a fruitful day.

我还会呼吸 I still breathe

记忆所及，我一直都是为了不同阶段的单一目标, 盲目地奋斗。这样简单的生活虽然忙碌，但也容易平顺地过。能这样都因为有幸被蒙在没有烦恼的鼓里。不知道是因为被保护还是特别幸运，我从来都只遇到良师益友，被善待被疼爱。因为爸妈迟婚，我从未见过我祖父母。这虽然也是一种遗憾，但我也因此一直被赦免失去至亲的痛。为了感谢我的幸运，我珍惜和用心地生活。

可是最近这一套失灵了。生活不再是单一轨道。变得太紧凑太咄咄逼人的马来西亚，不确定的未来，没有工作的失落，不想马上投入工作的不安，爸爸时晴时雨的忧郁，医院里凝重的空气，不能自主的婚礼细节，不想太挑剔但却真的不尽理想的婚纱。。。这些都是我用十倍的力气都不能克服的。为什么连自己的家园都不能顺其自然地适应？为什么不找工作？这些也都是我绞尽脑汁都回答不了的问题。

我觉得我是天枰改变不了两端的重量，只能慢慢移动，希望真的能找到平衡点。

那天HO姑妈家养在圆金鱼缸里的小乌龟. 光溜溜的缸太深太圆, 小乌龟每吸的一口气, 都是用奋力舞动四肢的疲惫换来的. 可怜.

不顺遂的生活能不能也很充实。能不能能不能。

I have always had a simple, single-tracked life, managing to find and chase blindly for the sole-purpose in every stage of my life, not knowing that a sole-purpose is never achievable. It was a busy but effortlessly fulfilled life. There is something unsettling about how fortunate I have always been – throughout my life I have only met kind mentors and friends, and have always been spared of losing people I love. Wondering how much longer my luck will last me, I walked each step of my life with gratitude.

What is even more unsettling is life never becomes simpler. The daily grind of traffic, the lack of ethics, the uncertainty of my future, ominous questions of why I haven’t seem to start looking for a job, depression of my loved ones… I guess this is why life needs “juggling”. But I haven’t even learnt balancing yet. But I thought I was adaptable. But I thought HOME does not need adaptation. HOME is where you just go back and live happily ever after. But where is home to me? Or does home only exist in memory?

I feel sorry for the two tiny tortoises kept in a goldfish bowl at HO’s aunt’s. How they had to stroke their limbs so hard to catch a gasp of air.

I desperately hope contentment could come parallel with the harshness of life. Because if not…if not…I do not know what else is possible.