What's next?

Lost between so many worlds, there is no where I truely belong to.

Will I be forgiven, if I could never love them back for the years that thay have loved me. If I'd never make them proud, if I'd never have what it takes.

Hope

I can only look forward to my Taipei trip this Christmas.

Not an actress

I need a break badly.

After over a month of grinding myself into work, I am reluctantly becoming the mix of ignorance and impudency. Being that is 60% of our job.

Learning how to nod passionately when you don't have a clue what the engineers are talking about - "We have to show that we are on top of everything, HuiYi". How to perform as if you are about to burst into tears of excitement when the boss cracks up a new idea. How to boast about how much we know about wind tunnel studies, when we are not even sure where the prevailing winds are coming from.

All I want is to do my job. And I am not an actress.

Fattie misses the good food and great company

Best Architecture School?

Recently I have been burrying myself in research for architecture education. It might seem a little bit late after investing 7 years in the field, but the constant request from family friends asking for advice of best architecture schools put me to shame.

What do I know about architecture schools and the career paths of architecture? I have never done any substantial research prior to entering this profession. In recent occasions of job interviews, when asked how I became an architect, my response normally involved long preplexed thinking, then the answer would start like "It was almost by chance..."

I consequently found extensive rankings for architecture schools all over the world, and was surprised that most people actually think that architecture education can actually be RATED. Some introduction to the rankings sound like this: "Our survey is intended to aid postgrads {graduates} seeking a place to conduct architectural research. The survey does not claim to be a guide to those keen to become working architects", which translates to me as "This is a piece of eloquent rubbish designed to mislead naive students having unrealistic dreams in architecture to a point of no return".

I was releaved to find more and more universities are refusing to participate in architecture rankings. It is just not the best way to guide people from the doorstep of architecture.

Still, to satisfy greedy students with the crave for the best, I collected rankings for 3 countries. Just for the record, here they are, 2009 ratings from ARCHSOC.COM:

USA:
1. Columbia University
2. University of California, Los Angeles
3. Princeton University
4. University of Pennsylvania
5. Yale Universtiy
6. University of California, Berkeley
7. Harvard University
8. Rice University
9. Massachusetts Institute of Technology
10. University of Notre Dame

UK:
1. Royal College of Art
2. University of Bath
3. University of Cambridge
4. University of Sheffield
5. University College London
6. Cardiff University
7. University of Liverpool
8. Oxford Brookes University
9. Queen's University of Belfast
10. University of Strathclyde

Australia:
1. University of Queensland
2. University of Melbourne
3. University of Tasmania
4. RMIT University
5. University of Newcastle
6. University of New South Wales
7. University of Adelaide
8. University of Technology, Sydney
9. Deakin University
10. University of Sydney

Interviews

CVs are redundant here. Interviewers want to see your CV in THEIR FORMS. You walk into a job interview only to be welcomed by a 5-page form. They want to know your I.C number, age, gender, religion, race, your parents' name and occupation. Do you have a car? What type? Is your spouse working?

Today, there was even an IQ test. Yes this is exactly how they put it - "IQ" test. Not just any test, IQ. Haha. Tell me that is not absurd.

I wonder what employers look for in an architect. First of all you need to be able to reproduce long and repetitive information. Then you have to be either very young and sexy if you are a girl, or old and snobby if you are a guy. You better be religious. It will be a plus if you are of a superior race, and if your parents are somehow related to a minister. And you better remember the answers for the IQ questions you have done all of your life.

Some companies think it should be your privillage to work for them, and "their name says it all". Sorry but this really doesn't work for architecture. This is a creative industry that needs a constant spark. The name says very little.

Very few interviewers, either directors or associates, are enthusiastic about what they do. I looked at them and thought "I really don't want to be you in 5 or 10 years." On the other hand, I adore the passionate ones.

I am grateful for the interviews. All are inspiring and educational, one way or another. I think I am more certain about what I want now.

没事的

只因我们是他人生命中的过客, 我们太常忽略, 我们也在他人生活中留痕.

今天妈妈说了一个我觉得值得记下来的故事.

多年前的初中统考考场. 考生们的压力, 在寂静的考场, 从考生们分秒必争的笔触和急促的心跳听得出来. 考试结束, 考生们要用棉线将考卷系在一起才交上. 一名考生因紧张而双手不停颤抖, 怎么努力, 都无法将柔软的棉线穿过考卷上的小洞. 眼看其他考生纷纷交卷, 这名考生的手, 抖得更凶.

"没事的, 我来帮你." 监考老师安抚了他的情绪, 也替他系好考卷. 为了避免偏袒作弊的行为, 监考老师都是从其他学校调过来的, 师生彼此并不认识, 因此事后监考老师也把这件事忘了.

反而是这名学生, 一直把这份情, 收得好好的. 这位监考老师, 是我妈妈, 这名考生, 多年后在我妈妈的学校执教, 并把这件事重述. "我一直都很想跟您说谢谢!"

每一个平凡的过客, 在另一个人的生命, 都可能举足轻重. 我们多少次因为事情的微不足道, 或不想多管闲事, 而低估了自己随时行善的重要性? "不以善小而不为". 我虽然一直知道, 但现在才懂.

Venice Bienalle 2008

Same old Gehry

Same old Hadid (NOT THAT CHIC, the design)

Happy Birthday to me

Today, I turn 26. I was going to say 21, but then I realized I don't mind being 26. Not anymore. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't mind being 30 either. Or 40.

Nowadays, we fear getting older, younger. I remember being so envious of 21y.o. girls when I was 23. I almost fainted when I first discovered neck wrinkles at 23. the Thanks to the "fear-of-age" marketting, we salute youth. Age seems to be merely something we have to resist and triumph over. Thus the multi billion business of anti-ageing products.

The good thing about being an architect, is that a 40y.o. architect is a "young architect". It doesn't matter if I am becoming an old woman. I am becoming a young architect. How cool is that.

影

傍晚时分，开车载爸爸去pasar malam。爸买了indian rojak。看印度摊主扭着头说总共7块，爸爸笑了。后来买羊奶，看爸爸讨价还价，我笑了。

开车回家的路上，我们背夕阳而行。长长的车影，薄薄的铺在车子前方的路上。原来，影子不一定是要拖着的，这样拎着我前进的影子，不也很可爱吗。

我喜欢这样的爸爸，也喜欢这样的我。

给自己的,也要坦荡荡

要多剧烈的运动，才能让我累到瘫痪，躺在床上深深的睡一晚。连续两天gym session后的剧痛，不够。

今天跟V吃了一顿懒洋洋，却沉甸甸的午餐。第一次见面，我第一眼就认出了她，然后像在msn上答应的拥抱了她，自然的。她的外柔内刚，很抢眼。一直渴望流浪异地的她，因为父母离异加上母亲患病而无法如愿。她还淡淡地说跟他还原朋友反而轻松，两个都不能被绑住的人。我听她轻松地说着沉重的故事。她说她还是积极的，除了酝酿有一天还是会去旅行的梦，她自己放假学法文。我说我会指引她吃巴黎的 Pierre Hermė。“没什么大不了的，我在过的退休生活。”她坦荡荡地斟满了自己快乐的杯子。我想起了J的“新退休主义”。

我呢？把心散播在世界的各大板块, 收得回来固然丰硕；收不回来的，也只能接受夜有所梦的无奈。无论我身在那里，都会有我挂念的地方。一个躯体能捆绑多少份已分割的灵魂？掏不出完整的心给周围爱我的人，要多努力才能弥补？花在自己身上的每一秒，要多狠心才不觉得愧疚？如果说心有余而力不足已经是一种遗憾，那如果我连心都不足呢？

我也想要，给自己的，也能坦荡荡。

临别我又抱了她一下。这才发现，我才是需要拥抱的那一个。



（我和V看了照片后，都硬着头皮承认了我们藏不住的倦容）

PYO Berry Farm - Spring 2008

My first ever excursion in London. Fresh hand picked berries, gentle breeze, soft sun, wonderful friends... I really thought life couldn't be better.





Raspberries are my favourite - and these fresh ones were much juicier and sweeter than those from the supermarket. I got lost in the many rows of raspberry canes, finding surprise after surprise. I love how raspberries are soft, pulpy, and gracefully hollow on the inside and lightly attached to its stem.





Needless to say, it was a fruitful day.

我还会呼吸 I still breathe

记忆所及，我一直都是为了不同阶段的单一目标, 盲目地奋斗。这样简单的生活虽然忙碌，但也容易平顺地过。能这样都因为有幸被蒙在没有烦恼的鼓里。不知道是因为被保护还是特别幸运，我从来都只遇到良师益友，被善待被疼爱。因为爸妈迟婚，我从未见过我祖父母。这虽然也是一种遗憾，但我也因此一直被赦免失去至亲的痛。为了感谢我的幸运，我珍惜和用心地生活。

可是最近这一套失灵了。生活不再是单一轨道。变得太紧凑太咄咄逼人的马来西亚，不确定的未来，没有工作的失落，不想马上投入工作的不安，爸爸时晴时雨的忧郁，医院里凝重的空气，不能自主的婚礼细节，不想太挑剔但却真的不尽理想的婚纱。。。这些都是我用十倍的力气都不能克服的。为什么连自己的家园都不能顺其自然地适应？为什么不找工作？这些也都是我绞尽脑汁都回答不了的问题。

我觉得我是天枰改变不了两端的重量，只能慢慢移动，希望真的能找到平衡点。

那天HO姑妈家养在圆金鱼缸里的小乌龟. 光溜溜的缸太深太圆, 小乌龟每吸的一口气, 都是用奋力舞动四肢的疲惫换来的. 可怜.

不顺遂的生活能不能也很充实。能不能能不能。

I have always had a simple, single-tracked life, managing to find and chase blindly for the sole-purpose in every stage of my life, not knowing that a sole-purpose is never achievable. It was a busy but effortlessly fulfilled life. There is something unsettling about how fortunate I have always been – throughout my life I have only met kind mentors and friends, and have always been spared of losing people I love. Wondering how much longer my luck will last me, I walked each step of my life with gratitude.

What is even more unsettling is life never becomes simpler. The daily grind of traffic, the lack of ethics, the uncertainty of my future, ominous questions of why I haven’t seem to start looking for a job, depression of my loved ones… I guess this is why life needs “juggling”. But I haven’t even learnt balancing yet. But I thought I was adaptable. But I thought HOME does not need adaptation. HOME is where you just go back and live happily ever after. But where is home to me? Or does home only exist in memory?

I feel sorry for the two tiny tortoises kept in a goldfish bowl at HO’s aunt’s. How they had to stroke their limbs so hard to catch a gasp of air.

I desperately hope contentment could come parallel with the harshness of life. Because if not…if not…I do not know what else is possible.

Portuguese vs. Malay

Queijo = Keju (Cheese)

Manteiga = Mentega (Butter)

Bandeira = Bendera (Flag)

Igreja = Gereja (Church)

Ananas = Nanas (Pineapple)

Toalha = Tuala (Towel)

Meza = Meja (Table)

Escola = Sekolah (School)

Sepato = Sepatu (Shoe)

Garfo = Garpu (Fork)

Snowy London

Being in the tropics reminded me about the London snow in February. How it shocked and halted London, how emotions shifted from frustration of long queues waiting for public transport to celebration of the rare chance to actually play.



I was awaken at 4am and snow had already started dusting the city, like icing sugar on light vanilla sponge. It was beautifully quiet. By mid morning the streets and buildings looked like they were covered in white chocolate ganache, then thick marzipan.





I was greeted "good morning" by a stranger. Smiling. First time in London. People were out on streets with their children. Laughing. Snowmen sprung in frontyards and parks. Met an Australian guy on Putney street and took a picture for him. "This is freakin awesome" he said. Dogs running around delightedly snowfighting with people. Local pubs making a fortune.

That day I managed to draw blank and retreat from fear of uncertanties at work, later secured my new job in Lisbon which proved to be a magical experience.

They call it the "worst-ever snowfall in southeastern England since 1991". It was quite prosperous for me. I went to work the next day and found Marcia and Duarte equally amazed.

Dynamic Learnscape

West End is a place where modern urban living is provoked by the preservation of traditional culture and knowledge. West End presents opportunities to create a learner-centered instead of the typical retail-centered urban core.

This project proposes a decentralized learnscape network formed by “fourth places” – informal learning places, which add dimension to the existing “first” (home), “second” (work) and “third” (informal gathering) places.

These “fourth places” stimulate and enrich informal public learning through contact with places and people in the community: workshops, teachers at home, professionals etc.

The unique junction of Jane, Boundary and Russell Street is a place of movement and eruption. The “jig places” – cafes, the “goanna”, the 4AAA radio kiosk, form a loose edge that defines the junction. The proposal is another internally sprouted “jig”, which marks this unique junction and instigates public learning activities that will bleed beyond its edges and complement existing infrastructures.

The proposal promotes 3 levels of learning:

• Street wisdom – spontaneous exchange of knowledge, friendship, culture, emotional and spiritual support in public
• Place cognition – Understanding of West End as an “island”, cocooned by the river and sense of uniqueness.
• Shopfront learning – Inheritance of knowledge and skills through informal learning
  
  

The folding element is generated from the context and function of the proposal. It is the spine that accommodates the solar cells, community notice board, bus shelter, amphitheatre and bicycles for community use. The twisting form stimulates strong conversation with the “Goanna”, and re-establishes gestural and visual connection to the river.

我回来了

我在举目无亲的他乡游离了那么久，终于回家了。该归位了。以前多少次大肆宣扬要回来都没有发生，这次没计划的，却落实了。

亲切感不是没有的。这几天陪爸妈去晨运，pasar，复诊，逛街。。。街坊们的脸孔虽然有点陌生，但问候还是亲切的。虽然巴生的道路一改再改，新桥一建再建，害许久没坐在驾驶盘后又轻微路痴的我慌乱失措，所幸该记得的地方，我都还懂得。

惆怅也不是没有的。我８年多没有在这里生活了，虽然我还是恋家的，但我害怕我恋的除了爸妈以外，就没有其他的了。抽屉里的信件和日记，是自高中毕业，出国以来就不敢碰的。因为害怕太纯净的回忆太脆弱，一碰就化为灰烬。今天一打开，除了厚厚的一层尘，还有蟑螂蛋！是想考验我的勇气吧，看我敢不敢整理这沉寂的回忆。

盛了一桶水，用抹布轻拭本本日记，封封信上的灰尘。本想用速读来筛选信件的去留，但一读起来竟沉溺了。我多久没有提笔写长长的一封信了？这种手温犹存的信，就算事隔多年，我还是能一看信封与字迹就知道是谁写的，内容大概是什么。我就凭这样的直觉重温了那些温馨的，放弃那些不堪回首的。我记起了，我的感情还是真实的。我还是爱这里的。我回来了。